I weighed myself this morning. That did not make for a Merry Christmas. When I stepped on the scale it, well what’s the best way to say this, it coughed I guess. You know that noise you make when you unexpectedly get the wind knocked out of you? Yeah, that’s the noise my scale made right before it told me that I now weigh 207 pounds. 207 pounds? That’d be okay if I were about 6’3 and built like Aaron Rodgers instead of being who’s built like they eat a lot at Roy Rogers.
So I weigh 207 pounds and, according to my driver’s license, I stand 5 feet 10 inches tall (honestly I’m probably closer to 5’9, but who’s counting). Is 207 pounds the most I’ve ever weighed? No, that distinction belongs to the nice round number 217. So why now? Why thirteen days before Christmas, during the biggest eating season of the year, have I decided to go on a diet? Here are the top five reasons someone such as myself would choose to go on a diet:
You’re watching The Hangover and realize the only difference between you and Zack Galifinakis (aside from the millions of dollars) is a big, bushy beard.
You step on your scale and it coughs, grunts, throws up a little or asks, “Why are you punishing me?”
Someone at the office where you work confuses you for the guy that you make fun of for being fat.
You lose several points at the game of ping pong because your stomach gets in the way of your swinging paddle.
While trying to button your size 36 pants, you rip the button right off and realize that by doing so, your pants haven’t felt this comfortable in quite sometime.
HONORABLE MENTION
You now hold the record for world’s deepest belly button. I can literally put a AA battery in there. Side note: My tongue started tingling while it was in there. Not sure the two were related.
When you tell people you played basketball in high school they just repeat the same question over and over again, “Basketball? You played basketball? You?”
The woman that works the Pizza Hut buffet remembers that you like just water with your meal and says, “Right this way, Joseph.” I’ve never told her my name.
Six of those things I just listed, actually happened to me within the last week. I’m 34 years-old and don’t feel a day under fifty. Now that’s partly due to my graying hair and the fact I hate teenagers and loud music (what is a Little Geezy?), but it’s mostly my unhealthy eating/drinking habits. It’s time for a change (for the eating habits, not the drink habits. Don’t be ridiculous).
So starting today, December 12, 2011 at 2:01 pm, the fat guy will officially go on a diet. Why 2:02? Because I didn’t bring lunch today and my wife and I carpool and the only thing within walking distance is a Taco Bell, Pizza Hut or McDonalds. You know, you can just save your judging eyes for someone else, okay?
So as I begin this journey I will be updating this blog in an effort to hold myself accountable each and every day and hopefully entertain some readers. Feel free to offer tips and advice, recipes and encouragement.
I’m looking forward to this diet (false). Of course not as much as I’m looking forward to snagging one of those donuts in the kitchen before 2:02 (true).
